By Small and Simple Things...

By small and simple things great things are brought to pass. I learned this from Alma when I was young. Sometimes we humans bite off a lot more than we can chew...literally and figuratively. I have come to realize that if I can do one small thing a day, it can lift my spirit and propel me to move on to the next small thing. Before I know it, I have accomplished many things. Things which can be seen and things which can be felt. Sometimes my to-do list has twenty things on it. Sometimes I add things I have already done just so I can cross it off! Cheating...maybe, but at least it makes me feel good.

The small thing can be anything. It can be organizing the silverware drawer, planting a flower pot, calling a friend, and the list goes on. But just knowing I acted on whatever it is, makes me feel good inside. Makes me feel productive and sometimes even accomplished.

So my goal for tomorrow is to write a thank you note. I had a wonderful weekend with some really wonderful people. I told them thank you, I hugged them goodbye, but I want to do something a little more. I want to write down how special they are to me, how much I appreciate their friendship and their love, and then I want to seal it with a kiss and a stamp and send the little love note on its way. I hope they feel as good receiving it as I do writing it.

The small thing is the thank you note, the great thing is the bond that deepens between friends.

Coming Home

A dear friend asked me to describe the magic of my life in 150 words. It is hard to condense so much into so little...but here goes:

I always had the desire to find a place and stay put forever. Safe and secure. But once divorced, everything changed and nothing seemed right anymore. I awoke one day and I ran. I ran to a town I had never been to and a house I had bought sight unseen. A place where the only thing people knew about me was what I chose to tell them. But in my running I discovered that I had found my way to the place I always belonged. In this valley, my great-grandparents are buried two miles away and others from my family tree sleep in a cemetery thirty minutes down the road. My great great grandfather served as temple president here for 31 years. And on Christmas Eve 2010, my father was laid to rest just down the street from my home. I have roots and heritage here. I did not run away…I was actually coming home.

Sometimes I wake up thinking...

Sometimes I wake up thinking, "What the &$#% happened to my life?" I miss the family vacations, I miss the security of not making all the decisions myself, I miss going to sleep and waking up with my best friend. Or who I thought was my best friend.

But then I remind myself:



And I remember:



Don't get me wrong, I never want to go backwards to the lies that my marriage was based on, but I will never stop hoping that there is a kind, trusting, honest, loving man out there for me. And I will never forget that:



All I know is God didn't need to write me a novel...a haiku would have been just fine!

Melancholy

As each day passes I seem to become more and more melancholy. It is the time of year...and this year in particular.

On Saturday it will be the one year anniversary of my dad's death. Remembering all the emotions of last year, the final goodbyes, the laying next to him as he was taking his last breaths. I have not listened to the Christmas Story he recorded, but plan to tonight. I wonder if it will bring me peace or sadness.



Also, this Christmas I will be without my children. Divorce is a very ugly thing. How can I be living for next Christmas, when it will be "my turn" and not enjoy this Christmas?Since Brooklyn will be her dad for Christmas, we will be opening presents tonight. I try to remind myself that it is the season, not the day. But when you know so many in the world are celebrating in their homes, with their families, it makes me feel a little lost when the day actually does come around. I need to put my heart in the right place...at the feet of my Savior.



Just as the balloons add color to the gloomy picture, I have a bright spot. My son, Elder Moore, will be calling from Nicaragua on Sunday. I will be so excited to see his face, via skype, and to hear his voice. He has the ability to make me laugh simply because he is one crazy kid.



So as Christmas comes and goes, so will the ebb and flow of my emotions. Thank goodness we have a new year to look forward to. May 2012 be bright and colorful and full of possibilities!

What Would Happen?

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I was able to turn loose. Turn loose of the past, of the hurt, of the fear. What would happen if I could forget all the bad times, yet still remember the lessons I learned? I wonder if I am being held up by sheer determination. Or if this wall that I have built, this guard that I have up...is it holding me up? Where I use to have a soft heart and a soft body...is my soul now unknowingly filled with concrete? If I turn loose and let it all go...will I collapse? Or will I soar...