Change

I have a wonderful friend in Sandy. Each August she would bring me a jar with a caterpillar in it. The children and I would watch it all day long. It would wrap itself in a cocoon and hang from the lid of the jar. The cocoon would eventually change to black and we knew the butterfly would emerge soon. As the cocoon began to split open, the most beautiful bright orange butterfly would come out. It was wet and sticky. It would slowly begin to flap its wings...faster and faster and faster until they were dry and it could fly away. In the beginning it stayed close by...even on my finger. Then it would gather the courage to fly to a nearby flower. After a short period of time we could see it flying far far away. Thank you Janette for always remembering us and letting us enjoy this process of change.

Victor Fankl said, "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." I learned a lot from this butterfly...for it changed itself in so many ways. So much changed as my marriage began to fall apart. I became caught in a vicious cycle of survival. I think because I was left alone, I went into overdrive...trying to overcompensate in so many areas of my life. Before I knew it, I found myself consumed on many levels...and unable to find a way out. I am kind of an all or nothing type of girl. I knew I needed a change. I knew I needed to get out of all the situations I was in. So I left. I literally picked up my children, picked up my belongings, and ran for my life.

Looking back, I still believe I made the best decision for me. Life is hard, maybe harder than before, maybe not. But it is hard. I changed everything.

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." - Anatole France

This is how I feel. How can you live somewhere for 16 years, how can you be married for twenty years, how can you look back and wonder if any of it was real? If it even ever happened. So here I sit, 45 years old, and once again trying to discover who I am. Trying to find my place in the world.

"The only way to make sense of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance." - Alan Watts. And so that is what I do. I join the dance. Millions of people have been where I am now...and millions more people will find themselves in this exact situation. I am not special, I am not unique.

The butterfly, unlike me, has a life span of only a couple of weeks. Hardly time to change the world or enjoy its life. So much struggle, so much beauty...and then poof, it is gone. I, on the other hand, am still here. It will be one year since I ran away on July 28 and I am still flying. Thanks to the butterflies, change and miracles are very visual to me. Change can be good...change can be life-saving. But personally I prefer stability, security, consistency. Hopefully that is what I can create for myself now. The change has happened, now I just want to settle down...and feel settled.