Sometimes I wake up thinking...

Sometimes I wake up thinking, "What the &$#% happened to my life?" I miss the family vacations, I miss the security of not making all the decisions myself, I miss going to sleep and waking up with my best friend. Or who I thought was my best friend.

But then I remind myself:



And I remember:



Don't get me wrong, I never want to go backwards to the lies that my marriage was based on, but I will never stop hoping that there is a kind, trusting, honest, loving man out there for me. And I will never forget that:



All I know is God didn't need to write me a novel...a haiku would have been just fine!

Melancholy

As each day passes I seem to become more and more melancholy. It is the time of year...and this year in particular.

On Saturday it will be the one year anniversary of my dad's death. Remembering all the emotions of last year, the final goodbyes, the laying next to him as he was taking his last breaths. I have not listened to the Christmas Story he recorded, but plan to tonight. I wonder if it will bring me peace or sadness.



Also, this Christmas I will be without my children. Divorce is a very ugly thing. How can I be living for next Christmas, when it will be "my turn" and not enjoy this Christmas?Since Brooklyn will be her dad for Christmas, we will be opening presents tonight. I try to remind myself that it is the season, not the day. But when you know so many in the world are celebrating in their homes, with their families, it makes me feel a little lost when the day actually does come around. I need to put my heart in the right place...at the feet of my Savior.



Just as the balloons add color to the gloomy picture, I have a bright spot. My son, Elder Moore, will be calling from Nicaragua on Sunday. I will be so excited to see his face, via skype, and to hear his voice. He has the ability to make me laugh simply because he is one crazy kid.



So as Christmas comes and goes, so will the ebb and flow of my emotions. Thank goodness we have a new year to look forward to. May 2012 be bright and colorful and full of possibilities!

What Would Happen?

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I was able to turn loose. Turn loose of the past, of the hurt, of the fear. What would happen if I could forget all the bad times, yet still remember the lessons I learned? I wonder if I am being held up by sheer determination. Or if this wall that I have built, this guard that I have up...is it holding me up? Where I use to have a soft heart and a soft body...is my soul now unknowingly filled with concrete? If I turn loose and let it all go...will I collapse? Or will I soar...

"Ice Yourself"

I love jewelry. I have very little valuable jewelry, but I have a whole lot of costume jewelry. My favorite place to shop for jewelry is at Dressin' Gaudy in Tyler, Texas. But seeing as how I live in Utah, I rarely make it out there.

I have so much jewelry that I had to find creative ways to organize it. I have a big jewelry armoire, but when you get matching sets it is hard to keep it organized in the big drawers. So Zip lock baggies to the rescue. The thing about baggies is not only do they keep the sets together, but they also prevent air from getting to the pieces, so the costume jewelry holds its color a lot longer. I don't know if it is scientifically correct to store jewelry in plastic, but so far it has worked for me!



I also like to decorate around the house with jewelry. I have a little crystal dish that belonged to my grandmother, and I will often take my jewelry off and drop it there before going to bed at night.



I also have a two-tiered dessert platter I got on sale from Kmart a few years ago that I keep my more commonly worn jewelry on. I think it is beautiful and fun at the same time.



I am not above pinning broaches around the house to enjoy when I am not wearing them...which is pretty much never. I pin them on candles, lamps and pillows. Anywhere that could use a little dazzle.



Jewelry is beautiful so leave some of it out to add sparkle to your day.

These are a few of my favorite things!

My home is totally decked out for Christmas. After the holiday decorations get put away I will take pictures of what it normally looks like around here. But for now I wanted to share a few of my favorite things. Some are fun, some are clever and some are just too beautiful to describe....well at least in my eyes ;)

This is a picture of my bedroom. It is oo-la-la! Romantic, comfy and serene. Just what I need at this time in my life. The canopy I found at a yard sale. I picked it up and asked the lady if it was a tablecloth. She said, "No. That is for a canopy bed." I told her I had a canopy bed and she said, "Just take it." Sometimes I get lucky like that.



This is a book shelf I found at the thrift store for $20.00. It is perfect for my Willow Tree display. For a backdrop I picked up some pretty frames from a garage sale and put some scrapbook paper inside of them. I love it!



This is my dressing table. My mother found a bedroom suite for me, also from a garage sale, when I was 2 years old. This dressing table is part of that set. I am now 46 so it probably is borderline antique :) It has been stained wood, kelly green, white, and now I have painted it black. I love to do my makeup here each morning. Something about it makes me feel very princess like!



I love this display from my kitchen. Back when I was married, the wasbund (nice word for ex) complained that he couldn't find anything in the pantry. I assured him that not everything can be on the front row. While dreaming one night, this thought came to me. Yes, everything can be on the front row, and it can look mighty cute.



This is an idea I stole from my neighbor in my old neighborhood four hours away. Because I don't live near them anymore I felt at liberty to copy. It is a word wall. It was fun finding inspiring words in different shapes and colors. The frame in the middle is a gift from my son one Mother's Day a few year ago. He took different pictures of himself holding signs with individual words for "I love you mom". I love it.



This is my clock wall. I am at a point in life where I am having to be patient on many levels. Having this as the focal point of the living room centers me each day and reminds me of the lessons I need to learn right now. The clock in the upper left that is ivory and quite ornate belonged to my Granny. She died at midnight and that is the time the clock is stopped at. I change the other clocks in the spring and fall, but my Granny's clock I leave just as it is.



I love decorating with things that are meaningful. Most of the things I have come from thrift stores, yard sales, or online sites. I love to repurpose things, use items in a way they are not normally used. Slipcovering, spray painting, etc. can change an item to va-va-va-voom! This makes it unique and special. I hope you enjoyed some of my favorite things.

Mega Failure

So last night dinner at my aunts was a mega-failure. My aunt is so full of love and she is an amazing cook...and everything looked so beautiful. I just couldn't say no...to anything. There was ham, green beans, baked beans, funeral potatoes ( my ultimate downfall), sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top, rolls...and at each place setting was a beautiful frosted goblet filled with jello with a creamy topping. The meal was beautiful and so tasty. I decided to take small helpings of each...but then I had seconds of ham and funeral potatoes. I couldn't help myself. The company was enjoyable and it just felt good.

After dinner my aunt brought out the cheesecake with fruit topping. The other three ladies at the table refused dessert saying they would take some to go. Me, being the only other lady besides my aunt, didn't not want to disappoint her so I had a small slice of the cheesecake. She also sent us home with leftovers.

When we got in the car, I looked at Brooklyn and said, "Well that didn't go so well." She smiled. I rationalized by saying, "There are times we are going to have to eat things we wouldn't eat in the walls of our home. It is the holidays and there is much more opportunity for slipping off our designed way of eating."

I am not going to beat myself up over this. It is a lesson. One thing I need to learn is how to stick to my guns without worrying about hurting anyone else. If I had lost 50 lbs. they would know I was eating different; but being that this my first week of eating this way, I didn't feel like I could use that "excuse".

Anyway, mega failure...time to get back in the saddle.



And with that being said, I did glisten five days this week. Score!

A Proud Moment

Last night was the first of the Christmas party dinners. It was a Progressive Dinner where we went to one house for appetizer, one for entree and then back to my house for dessert.

I was so proud of myself. At the first house I had celery, broccoli and some cheese. Yep, I skipped the crackers and cheese balls, chips and salsa, and the mini quiches that looked so yummy.

We were then off to the entree. It was a selection of crock pot soups. I love me some cream soups - broccoli cheese, potato, clam chowder...but I didn't have any of those. I saw a bean soup in broth. That was my choice. I had a bowl, felt satisfied...and I didn't die from not having what I really wanted.



Then we were off to my home. Because it was my home, it was easy to stay away from the dessert table. I was mingling with guests and enjoy the company and conversation. When everyone left, I turned and saw there were many desserts left for me to enjoy. Oh great! Being a sugar addict, desserts were always my downfall. But it all turned out okay. I had limited my sugar during the day in anticipation of my failure to resist. However, I did good. I had one tiny cream puff and one peanut butter cookie with a chocolate kiss in the center. All the other desserts I bagged up and put in the freezer to take to my mom's house for New Years Eve as she will have plenty of people to enjoy them.

I considered the evening to be a tremendous success. I did not feel deprived...and it felt amazingly good to be proud of myself.

Now let's see how tonight's dinner at my aunt and uncle's home goes. I don't want to offend my aunt, so I am eating low on carbs and sugars today in hopes that if I do need to have a little of this or a little of that, I will not sabotage myself. Bring on the food, I am ready to be successful again.

The Christmas Buffets

Starting today, the Christmas parties begin. Tonight is our Relief Society Progressive Dinner, tomorrow night is a dinner at my Aunt and Uncle's home, and Friday is our Ward Christmas Party. What does that mean for my "design" aka new way of eating? What that means is that now I am in control of food, it is not in control of me.

I will not stand mindlessly eating all the yummies sitting around, I will not have seconds...I may not even have firsts of some foods. I will pay attention and make sure not so sabotage myself. I will recognize that there is more to the holidays than food.

I will enjoy the beautiful decorations, the entertainment, the friendships. Before I went to these parties to fill my body with delicious food...but now I will feel my soul with so much more...love for my friends...and for myself.

Those Tight Jeans

Anytime I wear jeans, I squeeze into them hoping they will stretch out as the day goes on and I will be able to comfortably wear them. This usually is the way it plays out. But without fail, at night after dinner and while I am watching a tv show, like the Biggest Loser, I will have to unbutton them. It is just more comfy not having my big belly restricted.

Tonight, I have worn my jeans with no problem. They do not feel tight. I am watching the Biggest Loser finale and they don't feel uncomfortable at all. Maybe my new "design" is working.

Glistening

I am determined to GLISTEN at least 5 days a week. I have been "working out" since August but need to step it up a notch. So far this week I am 2 for 2. Yay! Go me! It doesnt look pretty, it doesn't smell pretty, but it sure does feel great.

I Think I Can!

I was thinking tonight of the chidren's book about the litte engine that could. While doing the hard thing, pulling the heavy trains up the steep hill, the engine repeated over and over again, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

I am still feeling confident today that I can do this. So far it has been almost too easy. Yesterday and today I was 100% faithful and it didn't seem hard. While doing some homework I thought...hmmm at this time I would have already had some candy kisses, chocolate frosting on a graham cracker, and probably a couple pieces of toast...and those are all just for snacks. I am learning some things about myself. I am learning that eating occupied a huge part of my thoughts. Now that I am more scheduled with my three meals and two snacks, I don't graze all day long. I know I will have breakfast at 7:30, a snack at 10, lunch at 1, a snack at 3:00 and dinner at 5:30. Sometimes I skip the afternoon snack and move it to about 7 just because if I am watching tv I like to have a litte something. But at the same time, I don't want to eat much past 7. Anyway, so far so good.

Well, time to go to sleep. That 6:45 exercise class comes early. I just wanted to remember:



And I for one think I can do this....because it is time!

The Journey

...and I am on my way! Exercised this morning and had my breakfast of Cheerios and Almond Breeze. I am looking forward to the day ahead. Yesterday was the first day of my journey and I felt it was very successful. I stuck to my eating plan and felt satisfied. However, I was dizzy and had a dull headache. This morning I was feeling a bit light-headed too. I know it is because I am going through sugar withdrawals. I still eat 15 grams of sugar a day, but the past few weeks I have always had candy kisses or peanut m&ms nearby. When I think about addiction, I recognize that sugar and carbs are my main addiction. This eating plan allows 6 servings of carbs a day and 15 grams of sugar. That seems adequate. I know before I was overloading my body with these two things. Hopefully I can get balanced out and feel more energy. More than anything though, I want to feel mentally strong; I want to feel as if I have control over food and food does not have control over me. I am excited for this journey I am embarking on...and I am so thankful for the support and help of my daughter. She is a wonderful example of perseverence. Love you Brooklyn.

It has begun!

So yesterday was preparation day for "The Time is Now". I cleaned out all the junk food from the pantry. Expired food and junk food was thrown away - this amounted to four very full trash bags. All other unopened foods that didn't meet my new requirements were bagged up for the food bank. We have six bags of food to donate to those in need. The pantry looks pretty empty, but that is okay. What usually lingers in pantries is fat-laden, sugar-laden foods and these are not part of my new design. This picture is representative of many items I had in my pantry...but I never cared much for Hamburger Helper.



Brooklyn and I then sat down and figured up four days worth of menus. Baby steps. I figured it would be easier if we could get a few days under our belt and repeat them until we had it under control. We could add other meals later. We made the grocery list and were off to the store. We checked labels and criss-crossed the store many times looking for the items that fit our criteria, as well as the best price (fresh vs. frozen). Sometimes it is more expensive to eat "right". We arrived home with our food and stocked the newly cleaned pantry and refrigerator.



The program has begun.
Waist measurement day 1: 39 inches
Hip measurement day 1: 47 inches.

No scale, just a measurement each Sunday morning.

It Is Time!

The clock keeps ticking on and I find myself in the same situations over and over again. I am ready to make a change.

Everytime I get dressed, everytime I walk into a room, it clouds my every thought and my every interaction. It dictates where I go and if I go. It has too much control over my life. I feel like I am broken.



I find logs from Weight Watchers, HCG, Nutrisystem, and more and always my starting weight is the same. I don't want this to be my setpoint. I am so tired of it. I feel like I keep going backwards.



I have been here before, many times. What will make this time different? I feel like I keep going in circles.



There are times I wonder "who cares"? Does it really matter? Can't people just like me for me? Can't I just like myself as I am?



But then I remember, I am tired of having curves in all the wrong places. I am tired of looking lumpy and irregularly shaped. I am tired of feeling abnormal.



I am tired of the times I feel out of control. Everything is a blur and I don't think I can ever make a difference or get a handle on this.



I am tired of feeling there is no time. Working two jobs, in college, single mom, doing everything...lawn care, car care, hanging the outside Christmas lights, waking up to see what the noise in the night is...times a partner could be sharing my load. Tired of the discouragement, of the failure, of the all consuming thoughts. But there has to be time...somehow I have to find it.



This time I want it to be different. I don't want the quick fix. I don't want the scale. This time I want the tape measure. Stepping on the scale is like taking a college final...frightening. No matter how hard I tried, I can fail. Then that number sticks in my head all day, sabotages me. I don't want to step on the scale again for a long time. The tape measure can come out every week or two. Not so scary. And if the number isn't quite right, it could be blamed on where the tape measure was placed this time vs. last time. But the scale...it never lies. It might move a little if it is placed on the carpet instead of the tile...or if I lean forward a little instead of standing straight up, or if I make sure to pee or take off the earrings before climbing onto it. But it is not enough to give me the cheer I need to keep going. And what if it is nearing that time of the month? Pounds can be added on in just a day. Even though my head can rationalize the reasons, they never feel good and they never feel right. Slow and steady wins the race. I want to make changes that are barely noticeable but will lead to a great end result. Where will I be in 20 years...hopefully still here but better. More content. More in control.



Because time never stops!



It is almost the midnight hour!



And the time is now....



There are no more excuses... this is it!