The Transformation of a Girl and Her House: It Is Time!

The clock keeps ticking on and I find myself in the same situations over and over again. I am ready to make a change.

Everytime I get dressed, everytime I walk into a room, it clouds my every thought and my every interaction. It dictates where I go and if I go. It has too much control over my life. I feel like I am broken.

I find logs from Weight Watchers, HCG, Nutrisystem, and more and always my starting weight is the same. I don't want this to be my setpoint. I am so tired of it. I feel like I keep going backwards.

I have been here before, many times. What will make this time different? I feel like I keep going in circles.

There are times I wonder "who cares"? Does it really matter? Can't people just like me for me? Can't I just like myself as I am?

But then I remember, I am tired of having curves in all the wrong places. I am tired of looking lumpy and irregularly shaped. I am tired of feeling abnormal.

I am tired of the times I feel out of control. Everything is a blur and I don't think I can ever make a difference or get a handle on this.

I am tired of feeling there is no time. Working two jobs, in college, single mom, doing everything...lawn care, car care, hanging the outside Christmas lights, waking up to see what the noise in the night is...times a partner could be sharing my load. Tired of the discouragement, of the failure, of the all consuming thoughts. But there has to be time...somehow I have to find it.

This time I want it to be different. I don't want the quick fix. I don't want the scale. This time I want the tape measure. Stepping on the scale is like taking a college final...frightening. No matter how hard I tried, I can fail. Then that number sticks in my head all day, sabotages me. I don't want to step on the scale again for a long time. The tape measure can come out every week or two. Not so scary. And if the number isn't quite right, it could be blamed on where the tape measure was placed this time vs. last time. But the scale...it never lies. It might move a little if it is placed on the carpet instead of the tile...or if I lean forward a little instead of standing straight up, or if I make sure to pee or take off the earrings before climbing onto it. But it is not enough to give me the cheer I need to keep going. And what if it is nearing that time of the month? Pounds can be added on in just a day. Even though my head can rationalize the reasons, they never feel good and they never feel right. Slow and steady wins the race. I want to make changes that are barely noticeable but will lead to a great end result. Where will I be in 20 years...hopefully still here but better. More content. More in control.