My Dad - The Greatest Man I Ever Knew

Some people, in life, get lucky. I know I am one of them. I was born to an amazing man. My father, Charles DeLee Pennington, left this mortal existence to journey onward to paradise on Christmas Eve day, 2010.

My father has always been strong and healthy. Four years ago he was diagnosed with fibrosis of the lungs. Some allergen had entered his lungs and laid dormant. One day it decided to make itself known and since then he has carried around an oxygen tank for this same amount of time. It has always been a hassle to him, dragging the tanks, packing enough in the car to last for his frequent day trips, wearing the cannula in his nose. But he did it and without much complaint.



At Thanksgiving time he began to cough and he never quite recovered. He was taken to the emergency room on December 12 and was admitted that same day. He was quite the character. Always telling the nurses jokes, entertaining his many visitors, or telling us how much he enjoyed having his family around him. We never left him alone for even one minute. One of us kids was always spending the night with him and making sure all was well.

He could not believe that they served three full meals a day in the hospital. He was not use to eating so much food so he asked for smaller portions. He began to get hungry in between time and asked the nurse for extra food from the cafeteria. One night he asked the nurse for a grilled cheese sandwich...and said, "And not a wimpy one..." The nurse delivered a thick sandwich, chips, Dr. Pepper, fruit cup and pudding. My dad exclaimed, "I bet the people in the cafeteria said..That guy in room 303 is a pig, load him up!" Later that same night he was watching an infomercial on an excercise glider. He said, "I don't think now is the time for me to begin an exercise program." I laughed so hard I cried.



A miracle happened on Monday. Justin is serving his mission in Nicaragua. He and his papa have a very special relationship. I knew it would be very painful for him to lose his papa while he was gone. On Monday as he was emailing for his p-day, I caught him online. I quickly emailed him telling him of his papa's condition. Although I did not believe my dad would pass as quickly as he did, I thought it important that Justin get to converse with him. Justin arranged to go to his Stake President's home and skype with my dad. They were able to talk face to face - computer to computer - for quite awhile. I know that this was a tender mercy.



My dad was in a very unique position. He had only one thing wrong with him...his lungs. He could sit in the bed, talk, joke, eat and watch movies. But he could not breathe. If he tried to use the bedside commode, only 3 steps away, he was gasping for air and it would take 4 nurses and 30 mintues plus medication to get him settled down and breathing regularly. It was scary to watch. Eighteen litres of oxygen were being pumped into his lungs each minute. The hospital considers 4 litres high.

He had decided that he would go home on hospice. But the day held many obstacles and his transport home was postponed. That night the electricity at his house went off because of terrible rain and flooding. Had he been at home, it could have been a life threatening situation because his oxygen was connected electrically. We as his family would have been frantically trying to keep him alive without help from medical personnel. At this time we did not know how close he already was to death. The following day it was evident that transporting him would cause too much trauma to his body and it was determined he would finish his mortal journey in the hospital.

Because of his situation he could choose when he wanted to end his life. His lungs would never recover, he would never be able to leave his bed, he was losing his appetite, his heart had already begun to enlarge because of all the extra work it was doing, his veins were constricting. The writing was on the wall. My dad had jokingly said, "I think January 3rd would be a good day...and it would help with our taxes."

But for some reason that day changed. I spent the last night with my father. On the morning of December 23rd I woke up and saw him looking at me from across the room. He said, "Sheri, today is the day. Let's plan the funeral and then you can call your mother and sisters to come over so we can finalize everything." He said nothing extreme happened...no visions, he had been feeling an occassional tapping on the shoulder from some invisible source...but he just knew it was time to go. He asked me to dial each of his siblings, my brother who had barely left to fly back to his home in Memphis, the bishop of his ward. He wanted to talk to each of them. He began by saying, "It is time to lay my life down"...but by the final phone call he was saying, "I'm going to buy the farm."

I had spent much time alone with my dad, we all had. I had my chance to say goodbye. I had my time to love on him, reminisce with him, tell him how perfect he was as my father. It was a magical time. When he lay in his hospital bed, I crawled in right next to him. I wanted to lay my head on his shoulder. I wanted to be his little girl all over again.



As the time drew near he began to talk about what he wished for when he got to heaven. My dad loves, loves, loves banana pudding. He said he hoped they would have banana pudding and watermelon on the buffet in heaven. I had thought all week about making him some, but I wanted to be with him every spare moment I had. I mentioned to the CNA Sheila, that I wish he had some banana pudding. In Dixie Regional Medical Center...ask and you shall receive. Sheila arrived with two pieces of banana cream pie. I fed him the pie, minus the crust, and he got the banana pudding he had been longing for. Thank you Sheila for being sensitive to my father's wishes. Each of the nurses and CNAs there were so kind and attentive. My father continually commented on how well he was taken care of. He had not one complaint...but then again, he never did. My dad was a ray of sunshine always.

We began to make the preparations for the time to begin his journey home. His little sister was arriving from Texas at 1:15 am on December 24th. He wanted time to visit with her. He continued to look at the clock. He continued to say he was ready. The whole day he had a peaceful look on his face. A goofy grin at times. His vitals were better than ever before as he had no longer had the anxiety from trying to breathe, but had relinquished himself to entering the next world. When the nurse would come in he would say, "I am going home...to paradise."



The nurses were so wonderful at the hospital. One nurse in particular, Jarvis, had spent time watching "Pure Country" with my dad and talking about old westerns. His shift ended at 6pm on Dec. 23, but he came in and spent 45 minutes with my dad, talking to him, letting him know what to expect, answering his questions and wishing him joy in his journey. He thanked him for being the ideal patient. He said, "It has been my pleasure to serve you." My dad left everyone feeling better. Then Jarvis turned to me and said, "Your family has never left your father alone. That is unusual. I know you have great love for your dad and I know that is because he had great love for you." It is true.



My sister purchased recordable story books for each of us. It was touching, yet comical, as we all stood around my father's bed, book in hand, recording as he read each page. What a treasure to share with the generations to follow. I was so proud of my dad, he spoke loud and clear and read without error. Even in his worst of times, he knew he was leaving something of great value for his posterity. Now each Christmas Eve, as we celebrate the Savior's birth, we can also remember my father's death and cherish his voice as he reads The First Christmas story.



At 2:00 am we all stood around his bed as he received a blessing. We hugged him and said our final goodbyes. We knew that once the process had begun he would fall into a deep sleep and he would not be able to communicate with us anymore. His final words as the drip began were, "I've never had trouble falling asleep." At 2:30 am on December 24th the iv drip of morphine and the Adavan was given to him. He quickly fell asleep and for the next 9 hours we kept vigil at his bedside. It is traumatic to watch a person die. The body reacts in ways that I was unprepared to watch. What was suppose to be a quick process lasted for what seemed forever. We were told that his heart was so strong it just wouldn't stop beating. As time went on, the oxygen was decreased until he was left with none. Some might think this sounds inhumane. But the oxygen was life support for him. It was the only way he could live...but shortly his body would need more than a machine could provide and he would have suffocated to death. This was his only choice that would not bring gasping for air and fear.

As his body continued to hold on, we played his favorite hymns, we prayed for him, we told him it was okay for him to go. We knew his mother who had died this past August was waiting for him as well as his father. He was excited to see his Grandpa Lee Lindsey and had regularly spoke of him. Different people who had visited him asked him to hug their loved ones. It was surreal to be a part of this process. We watched as his breathing slowed and the pulse in his neck finally stopped. We called to the nurse and she came in, put the stethoscope on this ever loving chest and said in a soft and caring tone, "He is gone." I then said, "Good job Daddy. Good job living and good job dying. You did it." He made a very brave decision and followed through with it. We then had to wait for the doctor to pronounce the same, "I am sorry. He has passed." And then we waited for the mortuary to come and take his body away.

As I left for home, my brain could not think, my legs could not hold my body. I wanted to shout to the world, "Do you know what just happened? Do you know that the greatest man in the world just died?" But I didn't. Even though I held the words in, the sobs could not be contained. I will miss my daddy. I am 45 years old and I realize I may live as long without my daddy as I lived with him. A little girl's daddy should never have to leave her.

The whole day prior to his passing, he wore this incredible goofy grin. He knew that although he was leaving his family behind, there was much work for him to do on the other side. He had faith that his testimony of eternal families was real. He knew that although we would miss each other terribly we would one day be together again.



I love you daddy...and I miss you terribly.

What Can It Be Now?

I have to admit when I saw the family room I gasped in horror. It was obvious at one time it was a garage. The light switches were exactly where they would have been. the size was appropriate and the placement was dead on where a garage should have been. But now, it was a very large family room. I figure in Southern Utah where snow is rarely seen, I could use the recreational area rather than a place to park my car and all the junk I call mine.

The problems with this room were many. The brown sculptured carpet was UGLY. I was reminded of a chant: U-G-L-Y it ain't got no alibi, it's ugly absolutely ugly. And ugly it was. It looked as if someone had some idea as a doorway was being framed for starters, but there was nothing I liked about this room other than the massive size of it. And the brick wall!



One wall of the room was almost entirely brick. It had a half-moon that jutted out with a gas fireplace. I was not thrilled about that because I knew straightway that I wanted a huge Ikea entertainment center on that wall so the half-moon would have to go. Taking down the brick would have caused massive destruction, and I liked the architectural detail it provided, so it stayed.

Two closets would store media equipment and games quite nicely. The three large windows still don't look the best, but I was excited to find a way to cover them that would look stylish and tie the colors I had in mind together.

This room also needed to house my office. Lucky me gets to work from home. I have a corner set aside where I sit and work from 8-12 Monday to Friday. It is perfect in every way.

The first picture includes a yard sale find from probably a decade ago. I loved this picture but it always sat in a storage room because it didn't quite fit. It is inlaid with pieces of cut wood in colors of turquoise, lime green and the corraly brick red the family room was painted. Finally it has found a home.




The family room is exactly that. This is where the family gathers...to watch tv, to play video games, to surf the computer and often to eat while watching reruns of the "Reba" show. The colors came together exactly as I pictured. Thanks to my sister Lori for sewing the curatins and pillows for me. I love this room!

From Beast to Beauty

The kitchen is said to be the heart of the home. Well, with it just being me and Brooklyn here, not a lot of time is spent preparing, eating or cleaning the kitchen. But if our kitchen isn't the heart of the home, it is definitely the main artery. It leads from one side of the house to the other.

The kitchen in this house was icky. That is the only way I can describe it. The ceiling was low, the cabinetry old, the wall paper gross. The laminate floor bulging from leaks. The countertops were burnt and the appliances were ugly as well as not working. Maybe in "the day" this kitchen was something to be admired - although I highly doubt it!



I decided that it all had to go. The entire kitchen was gutted. Sometimes to get to the best, all the bad has to be stripped away. It is the case with us as humans...and it was certainly the case with this kitchen. Everything was taken out...including the low ceiling. The electrical was redone, the floors were demolished and scraped. The appliances and cabinetry taken away. It was a clean pallete.



And then the excitement really began! Lucky me found a wonderful deal on kitchen cabinets, appliances and the corian countertops on ksl.com. One thousand dollars for the majority of the kitchen! Yes, you heard right, one thousand dollars! I did play the "single card"...not to get a better price, but to bump me to the most needy buyer. I was not a fan of the bisque appliances or the almond corian countertop, but for one thousand dollars I knew I could make it work. And work it does! I love this kitchen. Although it may not be the heart of the home with only two of us here...it is definitely a place to enjoy. And when I have a reason to cook ;) those double ovens will come in very handy!

The Living Room

My children always get confused as to which is the living room, the family room, the den, etc. Well, I have no explanation because the living room is certainly not the most lived in room in the house. This living room was cold and dirty when I bought this house. The floor was tiled and the room was sooooo long. There were archways, which I loved but my guy (ie: handyman) hated. So after a little reconfiguring, I now have a warm and welcome living room.



The floor was tile. Not my style for a living room. It was warmed up with some dark laminate. And a beautiful rug (lucky me I work for a floor covering store). The extra long room was made cozier by shortening it. A wall was built five feet in, giving me a closet with a door from the "family room". This made the room a little more cozy.

Furniture was brought in from different areas of the house and wah-lah a beautiful living room. Excuse the ivory Pottery Barn couch at the one end. A black slipcover is still being made for that couch. By the way, if anyone needs a slipcover made...I have the most amazing girl who does the most amazing job. She lives in Utah County. Just let me know :)



So please come in and sit awhile. This is a very relaxing and peaceful room. I will be glad when the weather cools down and we can open the blinds and see the view. But for now, this will do.

Welcome !

A front door says so many things. My original front door said, "UGLY"..."CONDEMNED"..."FORECLOSURE"...and "UNLOVED". I talked with a couple of different men about restaining the door because it is a really beautiful door. They said it would take days, hours and lots of money. Of course I had none of the above :) So I decided that with a twelve dollar can of minwax, a few pieces of sandpaper, and a few hours, maybe I could show it some love. Now when you walk to the front door you see "WELCOME".



Upon entering my home you are greeted by a cute hall tree. I don't remember where I bought this from, but it had set in storage for a long enough that I had forgotten what it looked like. I was at a consignment shop in the spring and came upon one exactly like it. It was priced at $400. I thought, "Maybe it is time I fall in love with my hall tree again."



A chandelier for the entry way was most sought after. I finally found this mustard colored one in a liquidation shop for only $40.00. The electrician who installed it said, "What garage sale did you get this from?" It took a little manipulating to shorten it (thanks Dad)...and I think I am the only one short enough to walk under it without bonking my head, but I love it. Something about crystals makes me happy (and reminds me of the temple).

So enter my home. As the week goes on, I will take you through each of the rooms...and you can see why I am happy here.

Let's Start From the Very Beginning....

Let's start from the very beginning...it's a very good place to start. So now my house is a home. There is still a few things left to do...but there will always be things left to do, because creative people are never finished! But I wanted to give you a tour around my new home.

So I decided to start in the front yard. When I bought this house in early spring, the lawn was non-existent. Dirt everywhere. The house looked blah and bland...yellow brick, yellow roof, and yellow :) dirt. All one color. I tried to spruce up the front porch, but I still need shutters to complete the look.




I also got a lawn put in. I told the landscaper I was happy he chose green grass because it went so well with the patio furniture! The beds have drip systems in them. It will probably be next season before I plant flowers since it is September. I am excited to see color around here.

The mailbox is a community mailbox down the street. I am so happy when I turn around to walk back to my little cul-de-sac to see a home with green grass and life. It makes me feel alive, too.

WILL IT EVER STOP?

Sunday afternoon, about 45 minutes before church, it was discovered that the east wing of the house was flooding. We quickly turned off the water to the sink, toilet, water heater, etc. I am just a lone single girl and am not too savvy on what to do when a flood occurs. I quickly noticed that it seemed to be coming from under the water heater. I determined the water heater had leaked, so Ginger and I began the steps necessary to empty the water heater as well as prevent it from filling back up.

As if that wasn't bad enough...all 3 toilets stopped working at the same time. This is not a good thing with seven people living in this house. We went to church, came back and had a delicious lunch at my Uncle Clarke and Aunt Jill's home, and then we returned home hoping the problems had resolved themselves. No luck!

So I called my cute plumber Scott. He rushed over, even though it was a Sunday night, and went to work trying to fix the problem. No go. He was mystified. The next mornig he returned with help. By this point, I had a "revelation" that the water heater had not actually leaked, but that the main line had backed up under the water heater making it appear as if it was the problem. Come to find out...this was exactly what had happened. Drains were backing up all over the house.

Once this determination was made, the men started coming. From the city, from the sewer company, from the home warranty plumbing company, etc. The handyman and landscaper were also there. Everyone wanted in on this action...except me...I just wanted out! After many long hours, the clog in the street was dislodged. Rumor is, in this town, you are responsible for your own pipes until they reach the main city line. Cameras were threaded down clean-out pipes (new vocabulary word for me) and problems were discovered. In the end, there is a "belly" in my sewer pipe where debris will settle over time. I was given instructions on how to manually flush it with the water house and a "jet ball" so the belly of the drain can stay clear and this will not happen again.

During the chaos of it all, I snapped this picture. The thought occurred to me, "What happens when a damsel is in distress? All the caring men come out in their white trucks to rescue her. Too bad when they leave they take all her money."




This was an expensive inconvenience. Not only were checks written out to these rescuers, the hall laminate will now need to be replaced because of the flood damage. The perils of being a homeowner. I think that is another reason it is not good for woMAN to be alone, this kind of stuff should be a man's concern. I should be in making all the men lemonade! However, as time goes on, I am recognizing that I can do hard things...I can do MANY hard things....and with a smile.

A Full Plate

Something about too many things happening at once, puts me in survival mode.

On July 25, my son Justin, had his missionary farewell and going away party. After feeding and entertaining about 100 guests, the mad rush began to have him all packed for Nicaragua, and the rest of us all packed for our new home La Verkin, Utah. My goal was to drop Elder Moore off at the Missionary Training Center, and keep driving South. I did not want to return to the house I had called home for the past 17 years. I was ready for my new start.




Brooklyn and I arrived in La Verkin on the evening of Wednesday, July 28. We had a couple of days to just rest while waiting for our trailers to arrive on Saturday. How one person can have so much junk remains a mystery to me. I will forever be grateful to my boss and his wife, Mike and Heather Fronk, for driving 3 huge truckloads of important and not-so-important crap to my house down here. They blessed my life incredibly by their willingness to help me with this monumental task. To add to their generousity, when I told Mike I was moving, he asked me to work remotely from home. I couldn't be more blessed in that area of my life.




The trailers (a big one and a small one) arrived on Saturday and the unload began. Many people contributed to getting my stuff down here as well as getting it out of the trailers. I am thankful for the service they provided. I believed that when I finally got here things would settle down for me and I might be able to find the peace I have been seeking the last six years.

On Sunday, I received the phone call that my Granny, Mabel Florence Lindsay Pennington, had finally entered the next life after several months of illness. She was 95 years old. The funeral was planned for the following Saturday. We made preparations for the 25 hour drive to Tyler, Texas. My parent's expedition was loaded with luggage as well as 8 people...Papa, Grandma, me, Brooklyn, Ginger, Bailey, Laynie and Lori. We had four people who could drive. We made the drive straight through taking turns at the wheel. When people weren't driving they were sleeping.





What a beautiful weekend it was as the descendants of my Granny gathered to pay tribute to her life. All 28 of her grandchildren were there...travelling from California, Utah, Arizona, North Carolina and other places. It was the first time I had felt whole in a long time. Many of her great-grandchildren were there as well as her great-great-grandchildren. After the funeral in Tyler and the burial next to my Papa, Hugh Smith Pennington, in Longview, we travelled back to Tyler for the luncheon. It was a beautiful time. Family pictures were taken. One was taken of the cousins with all 28 of us lined up from oldest to youngest. I am the fifth oldest.



Afterwards, we went back to the hotel where we all were staying. We had fun getting reaquainted, swimming and sharing stories. The men cousins decided we should all meet out at my cousin Byron's barn for a party that night. So off we went to another amazing event. My aunts and uncles barbequed sausages, made homemade peach ice cream, and just loved us. There was so much happiness and love that was felt this weekend. I cannot imagine Granny could have been any happier.

My granny left a wonderful legacy. She was honored in the newspaper the following day as a faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints who was instrumental to helping the church grow in East Texas. I am proud to be called her grandaughter.

So many wonderful things. But even wonderful things can be stressful. I have a trick to survive mortality. Tunnel vision. I only take one step at a time, looking to the next thing to be accomplished. If I look anywhere else, I become so overwhelmed and feel as if I will crush under all the responsibilities. Life is hard, but life is also meant to be lived. I for one am living life...hook, line and sinker...even though it is not my choice !

I ♥ My Kitchen

The house is really starting to come together. I had to give it another standing ovation this week as the cabinets and appliances began to go in. It is starting to look like a home. Here is another sneak peek :)

BEFORE:




AFTER...BUT STILL IN PROGRESS:





This week Jaime and I also got the laminate laid in the family room. It is dusty, but it still looks great! I learned it is never too smart to clean a construction zone too good! And Brooklyn put together the IKEA bookshelves and entertainment center all by herself. You go girl!

"Color My World"

Anyone who knows me knows I live in rainbow houses. The house I am leaving at one time had "plum" walls, yellow walls, etc. My new house is no different.

I love color. It just makes me happy. Living four hours away from my new house and trying to design it, one often wonders how it will all go together. This week I had the chance to go down and take in all the work that is being done on it. Here is another sneek peek!

The kitchen is the most perfect shade of green. I absolutely love it. The tile is in and it looks so good!



The family room is this amazing brick color. It has just the right touch of coral. It just makes my heart sing :)



The halls and some of the other rooms are this yummy chocolate malt shade. Delicious.....



What I love most about these paint colors is they are all muted just a tad and blend together beautifully. I couldn't help myself...everytime I walked into one of the painted rooms I would clap and clap and clap. A big standing ovation to this wonderful house that is beginning to show its potential. Maybe I can follow its example!

I'm Moving On....

I have never been a Rascal Flatts fan. I think all their songs sound too much alike. But I went down to my new house this past week to see how all the remodeling work was coming along.

As I was driving back late last night, I was stuck on the I-15 literally not moving. For 45 minutes we sat...they were installing a new overpass. This song was on a cd one of my friends had made for me and I played it over and over and over. It pretty much sums up how I am feeling. I didn't choose the life I have now, but it is mine. It was time to leave the history behind and create something new for myself.

So why do I waste my time blogging about a group I don't even like? I just wanted to remind myself why I am moving to a town I had never been to before...a town where I don't know a soul...a town that is on the edge of nothingness...well actually it is on the edge of Zion's National Park! I just found a house I could afford...but that beautiful scenery is a very nice benefit!



Here are the words that struck me so deeply sitting in traffic with thousands of other cars waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Kind of ironic that it is called "Moving On" when my car was going nowhere!

"I'm Moving On"

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on




And so I go.............

Ok, Ok, Ok...I will give in to the peer pressure!

It all began when I wrote my missionary son a letter this past week. He had written saying he really wanted to see pictures of the house I bought. I had been intentionally not sending him photos because it is a foreclosure and needs a lot of work. After him nagging me so much I decided to email him some photos. His reply after looking at them: To be brutally honest Mom, that place is a dump! This is exactly why I hadn't emailed him any of the photos before.

I don't know how to sew, I don't know how to drive a stick, I have never liked to exercise or eat healthy for very long. I don't have the best fingernails, smoothest heels, or most silky hair. There is a lot that I don't have. But I feel I do know how to take something really ugly...like this house...and make it into something really beautiful. This is something I enjoy and something I feel I do well at. It feeds my soul to make my world a more beautiful place.

With that being said, I will give you a sneak peek into the goings on at my new house. But you have to promise me not to snicker, not to gossip and not to call the men to come and put me in a strait jacket. I have not lost my mind...I just see potential :)

Here are a couple of the befores...followed by a couple of the durings.

First is the outside of the house. Not too attractive. There is beauty in everything however, and those weeds had many ladybugs living in them.




I just had the land cleared...front and back. The next step will be the sprinklers.



The Kitchen:

It was completely gutted. Everything in there was so old and dirty looking.



My deal of kitchen cabinets, new appliances, tile floor, a pretty green paint, and the coolest light fixtures ever will make this place beautiful!



I will send more rooms next week so you can believe I am really off my rocker! I hope these photos don't give anyone nightmares...for me I just get butterflies thinking of how in love I am going to be with it when it is all done. And many thanks and much appreciation to Jaime. I would never have bought this house if I didn't have such a skilled and visionary man to make my dreams for this house come true!

The Breakdown

There are many types of breakdowns in life. There are car breakdowns...there are appliance breakdowns...there are budget breakdowns....and then there are the nervous breakdowns. With all I have been through, I can't say I have actually had a nervous breakdown. But last Saturday I felt like I was almost there.

The house closed on April 7, but so far, I haven't done anything to it. It will take a lot of work because it is a foreclosure. I have been purchasing items off of ksl.com hoping to fix the house as inexpensively as possible. The garage was filled with all the remodeling products that needed to be hauled down south. Lucky for me, my boss offered to drive his trailer down for me. He brought the trailer by and with the help of neighborhood boys it was loaded rather quickly. There were kitchen cabinets, appliances, tables/chairs, couches, windows, lights, a water heater, french doors, plumbing fixtures, vanities, etc. and 2700 lbs. of tile. The trailer was filled and ready to be picked up on Saturday night.

I began the drive down alone on Saturday morning. I had one major dilemma. Who was going to help me unload the trailer on the other end? My father is on oxygen and is not capable of that anymore, my son has mandatory work at the census and couldn't get off, my go-to-guy for everything had hurt his knee two weeks before and was on crutches, my boss had broken his foot at scout camp...I was completely out of options. I did what most Mormons have learned to do...I humbly called the bishop of the new ward.

This was a big step for me. I am not one that likes to ask for help...especially from strangers. And there was one major blip in my plan...my boss couldn't deliver the trailer until the middle of the night Sunday morning...and he had to leave to get back to work early Monday morning. This meant total strangers would be asked to help me on the Sabbath - gasp! I really felt it was the "ox in the mire", but nevertheless...no one in my new place knows what I have been through and knows how hard it is to try and make it as a single woman. I felt all the guilt, imagined and real, that came from this request. The bishop hesitantly agreed to call the Elder's Quorum president and have some men come help me.

I was driving the four hours to my new home and the weight of aloneness just came over me. I began to sob. What am I doing? Can I really do this? I am alone and this is the way it is going to be...and it is scary! This may have been the first time I actually realized that I was alone and this is what it felt like to depend totally on other people.

I arrived at my house, empty and dead bug infested. It didn't take long to find out the water had been turned off. I had paid my two hundred dollar deposit to have it turned on May 5...but nope! I called the emergency line and said, "To me this is an emergency!" They sent someone right out. I have not had the gas turned on, so hot water was non-existent.

There was no table, no chair, no other person there. I grabbed some Mexican food and sat on the hard tile floor and began to ponder the choice I had made. Could I really do this? Was I crazy? As I usually do, I quickly gave up the pity party and went to work stripping the wallpaper - another one of my reasons for going down there.

A little after midnight the truck pulled in...and after many thanks to my boss and his family, I fell into a deep sleep on my cot. I awoke at 8 am the next morning and decided to begin unloading...not knowing if anyone would come or not. I worked for 2 hours and unloaded about 20 percent of the trailer. It was slow going and heavy work...not for a girl like me. At ten o'clock, cars and trucks began pulling in to my little cul-de-sac. Seven men and three young men had the trailer unloaded in 30 minutes. I was happy, relieved and so grateful for their service...and their muscles.

I attended church, felt welcomed, and returned home with my Arby's sack for dinner. As I entered my home this time, I had a chair to sit on, and I actually felt as if I was in the right place. I fell asleep Sunday night, on my cot, by the bedroom window. As i looked up to the heavens, I noticed that in the country you can see millions of stars. I wished on one, and fell into a very restful sleep.



The nervous breakdown was short lived, and I was back in business :)

May 8, 2010

One thing I have never been very good at is asking for help. Now I find myself in a situation where I have to ask for help. When you are a single woman, it is fairly obvious that there are things I simply cannot do by myself. I need a man...I need his muscles. I am preparing to move....a few hours away. Moving involves not just moving me and my children, but moving STUFF. I need help. It is hard to find enough willing hands and willing hearts to help me with this. It is even harder when you know you are inconveniencing people. Men have jobs, they have families, they have many obligations. That is why it is so disheartening when you get the courage to finally ask for help to find yourself without any. What am I going to do? I wake up pretty consistently now at 4 am wondering how this is all going to happen. I am a smart girl; I just need to think a little harder. Somehow it will all come together. But one thing is unchanging...I need help. Without it I will drown. Thanks to all of those who have saved me in the past...and thanks to all those who will save me in the future. I am just a girl...with a brain, but without muscles. I will figure it out.

May 5 The Deal of the Century!

I found the deal of the century a couple of weeks ago. I bought a foreclosure and am trying to redo it as inexpensively as possible. One thing I had been looking for online...nonstop...was some used kitchen cabinets. After several weeks of searching our local online "garage sale" I found them. I was not first on the list to call, but the seller moved me to the front of the line because he liked me :) I purchased 17 kitchen cabinets, the corian countertop, a double wall oven, an overhead microwave, a dishwasher, and even the kitchen sink for $1000 !!!!! What an incredible deal. The oven alone retails for $1800 online. If you think I am bragging...I am!

But the real deal came later. I was enjoying NOT being on a continuous search for the kitchen cabinets. And it came to me, isn't that how life is? Once we get something good, we need to stop looking. Take a marriage for example....you can marry someone really good...in fact, at wedding time you believe they are the best. But there is always someone better looking, more athletic, more talented, more relaxed, etc. If you choose to look, you will probably find them. But do you always want to be looking for something better around the next corner? Why not just be satisfied with what you have? Why decide to look else where when looking into your partners eyes will remind you that you already have the best. Be content, be satisfied...stop looking around. Just bathe yourself in the joy of having "good enough" in your life, in your home and in your arms each night. I wish my "wusband" would not have kept looking. Whether it is kitchen cabinets or the love of your life, once you have it, just enjoy it...Because that is the real deal!

What I Found Out Was...

...well, let me back up a bit. See this picture. What do you think it is? Me selling my house? No, that was just over three years ago. Me signing my divorce papers? No, that was two years ago. Me signing papers to buy a new house? Yes siree. I am now a proud new homeowner. But the thing that was so crazy was this: I had made my Bucket List Book in October of 2009 and I had not looked at it since then. I took the book out and began to flip through it. I discovered that I had accomplished 5 of the goals I had put in the book without even realizing it. Two of these goals were that I would live some place warm and that I would own my own home. I believe it is like "The Secret"...if you put the thought into the universe, your desire will be granted. Now of course I don't believe it always happens this quickly, but I do believe it can happen. And for me it did. So I am now encouraged, that my wishes and dreams can come true.

My Book

My bucket list began as a nice binder filled with black pages. Each page I decided to scrapbook. I put my "Wish/Goal" as a title, left a place to put a picture, and put a small square or circle that I could check off once it had happened to me...or I had made the effort to complete it. There were many random things on my list:

- Wish on a falling star....I have never been patient enough to stare at the sky long enough to see a shooting star.

- Give blood....when I was a teenager I was diagnosed with hypoglycemia and sometimes felt faint, so the thought of this had always scared me. Now I am just plain scared. But I want to buoy up my courage and actually donate so I can help someone else.

- Own a home

- Live some place warm

- Own a jukebox

- Have $________ in my savings account

- Weigh 145 lbs.

- Run a 5K

....and the list went on.

The first thing on my list was to get my passport. I had no plans to travel anywhere, but when I was ready, I didn't want anything to stop me. So I actively went to work on that goal. It was the first one I worked on and the first one I completed.

But then a strange thing happened. That was October 2009. I closed my Bucket List book and I didn't open it up again until last week...April 2010. What I found was amazing.........

My Bucket List

One night last fall, I was startled awake in the middle of the night and I could not go back to sleep. Have you ever had that happen? The thought came to me: MAKE YOUR BUCKET LIST. So at about 3 a.m. I began to think, and google, and remember the movie with the same name. My life was at a standstill and it was time to reclaim me. The next morning, I groggily awoke and looked at my scribbling on the paper by the side of my bed. I couldn't read my writing and I didn't remember all the things I had thought about in the early morning hours, but I was now on a quest to make a list. And so my story begins.....